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Mono is the thing that keeps giving

When is it enough? I catch you from the worst man on earth, you can’t even call him a man because he is a little boy that wasted my time. But if that wasn’t enough I had to put my future on hold. I was going to great things in life . I had one big goal and I have been set back. This had to happen to me all I wanted was to go to school and work. I one day wanted to have my dream career of being a photographer. Mono has made me withdrawn from school and almost lose my job. Everything that matters to me happens to be disappearing. I thought everything was going good because I got my job and school goes back in January . But I go to one eye doctor appointment to be told I might have brain damage and loss of vision because of mono. This is the gift that keeps giving. I thought it was weird my eye sight has gotten worse or how I couldn’t remember certain things like 8+8 . What else does mono want to throw at me.

Guys

I’m blonde but I can be really smart and know a lot of things that many don’t know. But something I never grasp the concept about was guys. They make me rethink and question myself. They make me go through so many different emotions. They can make u feel sad, mad, happy, in love, ever lasting, excited, breathless, taken away, and make you feel like nothing. I always said no guy will change who I am. I was wrong but I was still me. They changed me to show people a different side that is hidden but this happens to everyone. A guy changes everything. Maybe for the good or the bad. If it is for the bad  you know maybe you should throw him away. You want someone to bring the best not the worst. But it is hard to tell because you your self don’t see it but surely the people around you does. I want that person who brings the good out of me. The one who makes me feel great not like I’m a pawn to his game. Every girl wants that gut feeling where you feel like that person is truly honest, loves you, and most importantly treats you like he is lucky that you decided to answer him back when he said hello the first time. But they make this front where you can’t tell what their game is. I am no genius but for once this is a subject I will never understand until I get my chance at true love with that special guy. But one thing I have learned is you got to go through some bad guys to get to the one in the back of the crowd thats waiting. At the same time I want the guy to jump out in front of me but for some reason I am blind and can’t see it. Guys are the most interesting subject that confuses every girl especially this one. 

I lost count on how many of these little nobody blogs I have made. But I like my little no body blogs. It lets me say things that i can’t say out loud to the world. The world is cruel and judgmental.  I might be a horrible writer but that doesn’t matter to me as long as i can get my point across and sometimes i don’t even do that. It’s the fact that I feel better after releasing all the stress thats in my head or on my chest. I sometimes ask for people’s opinion on my blog but I realized your opinion does’t mean anything to me because all I need is to be happy with myself. I will keep writing even though it means nor you or anyone else will stop and read this because it’s not important to you I’m okay with that. This site has been a blessing. No body that is close to me knows about me writing and putting my true feelings out here because if they knew my world would change. I like living behind the computer then actually telling the truth because not all the time does the truth set you free. I don’t need to risk anything that I have going for me right now. I haven’t done anything wrong but my family freaks if i have the slightest amount of feelings. Most of my life is pretty great I have been blessed with the love of my life that have almost dated for 5 months and it has been the best 5 months of my life. I have my life just beginning and can’t wait to see where I go.

My family ?

I have no family . They dropped me but denies it. My dad don’t even talk to me any more. He says he don’t want to nor does he care. My family yelled at me because I wouldn’t tell them private things. They think when I’m in a relationship they are part of it . In reality they aren’t . It’s only me and him not plus my whole family . They want to listen to my phone calls . They might not say they do but they get angry if I’m in a room alone on the phone . All my dad thinks is sex sex sex dirty dirty dirty . That’s not even it . I was fixing a problem and didn’t want the whole world knowing what the problem was . Just because in his head is sex sex sex dirty talk dirty talk doesn’t mean that’s how me and my boyfriend is I like to have actual conversation. I can all day and it won’t show how much I care for my family because they don’t believe me . Truthfully they don’t love me . I will and would die for them but that’s only one sided. They wouldn’t kick me rout but wanted me to go freely . I’m person who don’t like to rely on people. Everyone makes mistakes . To be mad because I lied about getting my wallet at my boyfriends but that’s where I went . I lied because I didn’t want them to know me and him fought that’s between me and him. I missed my 11 year old brothers 15 min kick ball game . He has another one next Monday . I feel bad I missed it but I wanted to take care of my business. But this is nothing big deal . I did nothin g really wrong . I said sorry but that means nothing to me. I’m not a heartless person. I care for everyone and love them all. I only want them to love me and support me. The only thing I know is I have the best boyfriend that stood by me today. He loves me for me and stand by me when I have a family that criticizes both of us for no reason. I am truly blessed to find the love of my life being only 17. He is my family. I might not be able to see him because my parents took MY car and I have a license. They shouldn’t take it away. It might be in my dads name and that’s only because I’m not old enough to do that yet . I’m told to walk to see my boyfriend or find a ride there and back. They want me to fall but I know if I do I have someone to catch me . I thought if I took a break for a couple days they would let me because it gave us time apart to think about everything. I was wrong again. I can’t please them so why try …. Oh yeah I love them which sucks because they don’t love me back.

Can’t trust no one

I have learned that its true I was never able to trust anyone in life but myself. I don’t trust family nor friends and i thought i could trust my boyfriend. I don’t trust guys especially. Not one guy has shown me I could trust them . I have a boyfriend he showed I showed trust him until he ended up doing something stupid. It wasn’t the worst thing but it showed me how much he trust me and how much I should trust him for now on. If u think its funny to have your bro contact me and it made me uncomfortable because I’m girlfriend but you had him do it anyways . It made me cry and made mad for the first time at you because you thought it would be fun well it wasn’t and now I don’t trust you like I thought I could. You promised to be good and contact when you got to your friend’s house but you didn’t. Also, didn’t contact me after you knew I was mad. Like I didn’t deserve it so why do that. I don’t think I will be able to trust you . In this world I have learned you can only trust yourself . Thank you to all the people who made me realize that.

Trust

I not perfect and like anyone else I have lied before . It was always stupid lies nothing that could hurt someone. Like ” did you take your iPod to school? Ummm no” it was always dumb. Plus that was when I was little and still immature. I am 17! now not 12. There is nothing I could of done to make my parents not trust me. But for some odd reason they question my every move. They wondered this much when I was 12. Now they have snooped on my phone calls and been trying to look at my phone. It’s more of my dad than my mom. My mom does the questioning and my dad does the snooping. They act more immature than I do. I love my parents and I thank them because without them I wouldn’t be here. They want me to fall and they are looking for a flaw they can criticize. They had me when they were my age but what they got to realize they raised me with me holding my head up high and strong and knowing exactly what I want. If I haven’t screwed up now be happy and if it happens then question me but for now just go with it. So if I say I am going to stay at my friends house because you decided not to be with me on a special day and watch me go to it then that’s your choice not mine. Never think that I lying to you because you feel bad not being there for me. I am not mad so don’t worry what I am doing because I already did trust in how you raise me to make the right decisions . The decisions I make are right for me. Give me that trust I deserve and I will prove that you did a great job raising me but I can’t if you won’t let me have that chance. You say I need to gain trust but your not letting me show you I can be trusted. I have learned that I can trust them and they have made bad judgements but that’s what makes them human so why not give me a chance and trust me.

Insecurity

I’m so insecure that in my eyes nothing I am or will do will be good enough for anyone . I have the best boyfriend in my eyes . But when people try to split us it makes me not believe in myself and makes me think that maybe he better off with someone else. The thoughts that run through my head are all put into question like ; ” am I pretty?” “am I fat?” ” how can I loose weight fast?” ” does he think I am not pretty or fat?” ” what can I change?” ” am I smart enough?” ” am I mature enough?” ” should sit there quietly because if I say the wrong thing will he leave me?” . Those are the things that run through my head. My boyfriend complements me everyday and says he would never do anything to lose me but when I am told I’m not good enough or someone thinks that he better off with them than me . Is one of the worst feelings in the world. I am human I have feelings and I don’t show anyone my weakness except that one person that is close to me which is my boyfriend and even then I’m scared that it will be used against me. My insecurities will never end.

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